We then go back in time to the story that actually started it all… um… An Unearthly Child... or possibly The Tribe of Gum. Or maybe 100,000 BC. It’s possible that no one knows for sure. It’s definite that Porter has no idea.
It’s an Alienpalooza as the special effects team designs… TREES! Also, a bitchy trampoline and tiny blue people. A rich pageant of lifeforms to compliment the destruction of Earth in the appropriately titled The End of the World.
But, if you – like many – have friends and family on Earth, then fear not – some of them may have escaped into The Ark in Space where they may or may not have been eaten by giant bugs. Fortunately, the 4th Doctor, Sarah, and Harry have arrived to do some much needed electrical repair and battle the dreaded… bubble wrap!
We begin by shining a light on one of history’s more obscure authors, Charles Dickens, as the Doctor and Rose make their first trip into the past. Will God bless us, every one, or will we be taken over by gas like old people after a Tex-Mex dinner? We look to The Unquiet Dead for answers.
We then ominously intone the translation of the Viking runes that foretold our next episode…
Night is the time of the Who podcast,
When this story confused Porter from the very first,
But John understood on the 14th viewing of the special edition VHS with extended footage,
And acquiring an advanced degree in Norse mythology,
Only thus does one grasp the plot of…
The Slitheen first um… blast onto our screens with their, shall we say, effervescent personalities in the first two-parter of the New Series, Aliens of London and World War III. Will Porter’s penchant for fart jokes leave him helpless in the face of an onslaught of gastro-intestinal humor? Will John’s fixation on flatulence sour his take on the intrigue and excitement of an alien invasion?
We then turn to the taut, John Le Carre-esque, futuristic post-Cold War thrllier… oops, sorry, typo there, just let me go back and fix- FACE IT JOHN, IT’S MISSPELLED! THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO BUT GET ON WITH WATCHING WARRIORS OF THE DEEP!
They’re back… and this time, they’re going up stairs (although to be fair, they could do that in the original series too). Will Porter stand for this wildly inaccurate depiction of underground Utah? Will John cower in terror from the power of the sink plunger? It’s time we face the… Dalek. Is this, indeed, the final end? No. No it’s not.
But this is not the first time they were back… they’ve been back before now! The Daleks have arrived and they’re angry… but they’re also unarmed… for upwards of 10 minutes before that promising plot-line is quickly abandoned! Will John and Porter join the Third Doctor and bear witness to Death to the Daleks? Also, no. No they will not.
Can you imagine what a world would look like if it the media was totally controlled by a near omnipotent Editor? Well neither can the producers of The Long Game, which trusts that Porter and John will take their word for it in this vicious takedown of people who surgically put holes in their heads. [Trigger warning: Do not watch if you have a hole in your head.]
Of course, Doctor Who had long ago put the media on notice in the 6th Doctor adventure Vengeance on Varos, which made a strong statement against the horrifying effects of subjecting people in corridors to different lighting gels but is surprisingly ambivalent on throwing people into acid.
Weddings! Could they be a more awkward social affair? The answer is, it turns out, yes – especially when one of the guests’ daughter travels back in time and causes a time paradox that leads to other guests being eaten by time monsters. Get your hankies at the ready as Porter and John get in touch with their emotions for Father’s Day.
Funerals! Isn’t it typical that you get entombed with all your possessions and then some history teacher from the 1960s wanders in and starts looting your corpse? But Porter and John forgive Barbara as she wreaks (moderate) havoc in The Aztecs and in doing so we learn an ironclad rule of time travel that the past can never be changed… unless it can be changed when that would make a better story.
Pull on your Union Jack jumpers and dangle from the nearest barrage balloon as Porter and John flit back to World War II London. Will Porter’s terror at the gas-masked child remind him that, in fact, he has seen Doctor Who and the whole premise of this Podcast is a lie? Will John gush over the steely-blue gaze of the dreamy Captain Jack confident that his husband never listens to these Podcasts? Find out as we flee The Empty Child and wonder if indeed The Doctor Dances.
It’s then on to dazzling Blu-Ray (the way 70s TV was meant to be seen) as we head back to the 4th Doctor’s era for a little hard sci-fi (that sounds dirty, but it’s not). Will Porter be captivated by the enchanting (and clothing-lite) Leela? Will John be able to explain the plot even after having seen this one, like, a dozen times? To find out, you must stare down the grim visage of The Face of Evil.
We begin with a swing through modern-day Cardiff for the TARDIS crew. But what evil presence lurks in wait for our heroes… MICKEY! Also, a Slitheen. Will Porter’s love for Mickey continue to grow even as Rose’s wanes? Will John be able to shake his suspicion that the title might be a subtle fart joke? All will be answered in our visit to Boom Town.
We then activate the Fast Return switch and materialize once more in Season 1 where we find the Doctor, Barbara, Ian, and Susan acting angry, confused, zombie-like, and psychotic respectively. Does Doctor Who’s first ever “bottle” episode deliver for Porter and John or will they find themselves as confused as the cast apparently did as they teetered on The Edge of Destruction?
Confirming our belief that reality television will be the death of us all and/or lead to a mass invasion of Earth by the Daleks, we at last uncover the mystery of just who is the Bad Wolf before having to endure the emotion of The Parting of the Ways. Will Porter discover a new appreciation for the power of the Daleks or will he be too distracted by the horror of an android gameshow host?
We then take-in the creme de la creme (literally, “yoghurt“) of classic series regeneration stories with the 5th Doctor’s swan-song The Caves of Androzani. Does John have the mouth of a prattling jackanapes or do his eyes tell a different story? Could you even answer that given that Podcasting is an audio medium? What even is a jackanapes? None of these questions will be addressed in this Podcast.