Goodbye, Earth - "The End of the World" & "The Ark in Space"
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It’s an Alienpalooza as the special effects team designs… TREES! Also, a bitchy trampoline and tiny blue people. A rich pageant of lifeforms to compliment the destruction of Earth in the appropriately titled The End of the World.
But, if you – like many – have friends and family on Earth, then fear not – some of them may have escaped into The Ark in Space where they may or may not have been eaten by giant bugs. Fortunately, the 4th Doctor, Sarah, and Harry have arrived to do some much needed electrical repair and battle the dreaded… bubble wrap!
Tech Gone Wild - "The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances" & "The Face of Evil"
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Pull on your Union Jack jumpers and dangle from the nearest barrage balloon as Porter and John flit back to World War II London. Will Porter’s terror at the gas-masked child remind him that, in fact, he has seen Doctor Who and the whole premise of this Podcast is a lie? Will John gush over the steely-blue gaze of the dreamy Captain Jack confident that his husband never listens to these Podcasts? Find out as we flee The Empty Childand wonder if indeed The Doctor Dances.
It’s then on to dazzling Blu-Ray (the way 70s TV was meant to be seen) as we head back to the 4th Doctor’s era for a little hard sci-fi (that sounds dirty, but it’s not). Will Porter be captivated by the enchanting (and clothing-lite) Leela? Will John be able to explain the plot even after having seen this one, like, a dozen times? To find out, you must stare down the grim visage of The Face of Evil.
Wracked by the guilt of destroying Earth in Series 1, Russell T. Davies, like a parent replacing a deceased hamster, gives us a New Earth – nearly indistinguishable from the old except for the cat medical staff. Will Porter revel in the smug self-satisfaction that comes with at last recognizing a returning villain to Doctor Who? Will John revel in the fact that he knows the secret of the Face of Boe and Porter does not, thus firmly establishing John as the superior person at every level?
Our revels now are not nearly ended, however, as we grasp the tenuous thread of body swapping to journey back to the sands of Zolfa-Thura, home to Meglos, played in a commanding performance by a potted cactus. Will Porter recognize Season 1 favorite Jacqueline Hill returning to the series in the guise of Lexa? No. Will John now escalate his reveling at yet further confirmation that his Who knowledge is so vast? Yes. Yes, it’s somewhat the premise of the whole Podcast.
Goodbye Sarah Jane - “School Reunion” & “Hand of Fear”
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This week, we tear up precedent into little pieces, stomp on it, deride it as a little girly-man, chastise ourselves for using gender stereotypes as taunts, and send legions of Probers into fits of confusion as we begin with the classic story that bid farewell to the incomparable, Sarah Jane Smith. Will the emotion of the saddest of companion swan songs crack Porter’s steely facade and leave him a blubbing wreck? Will John too succumb to extreme emotion or will he tell it to talk to The Hand of Fear?
We then – and stay with us here – discuss the 10th Doctor story! See, because, we talked about the classic story first this time, which means we did not discuss the “New Who” story yet, so we need to discuss that now. Is everyone following here? Well, it all makes sense, you see, because we join the Doctor, Rose, and Mickey for a thrilling School Reunion with none other than Sarah Jane Smith – who we have not seen since The Hand of Fear (if you ignore K-9 and Company, The Five Doctors, the Big Finish Audio series, and the 7th Doctor Missing Adventure Bullet Time). Will Porter’s love of Sarah and Mickey overcome his disdain for K-9? Will John suddenly realize that it makes no sense for Sarah to have been driving around for years with a broken robot in her car trunk (or as the British call it, “biscuit”)?
Death by Robot - “The Girl in the Fireplace” & “The Robots of Death”
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If there’s one thing for which the French are most famous it’s malfunctioning, time travelin’ robots, and boy does The Girl in the Fireplace tick that box. Listen as Porter toasts the first of his favorite character Mickey’s no doubt hundreds of journeys in the TARDIS as he finally comes on board as a full companion! And listen to John do nothing to disabuse poor, sad Porter of this foolish notion.
Meanwhile, we have no time to contemplate the melancholy conclusion of our New Who episode for there’s been a MURDER! Yes, climb aboard the Orient Sandminer Express for a classic Who-dunit (HA!) where the murderer is only partly given away by the title, The Robots of Death. Will Hercule Porter-rot (HA AGAIN!) piece together the intricate clues and find the killer? Will John come to appreciate the defensive value of light plastic vases? There’s only one way to find out… ask someone who has listened to the Podcast.
Monster in the Mirror - “Love & Monsters” & “Creature from the Pit”
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Look, let’s get this out of the way: it’s a monster in a thong with faces on his butt. Even David Tennant – who is contractually obligated to appear – keeps his distance on this one. But this gives us all time to meet Elton and the gang at LINDA, basically Doctor Who fans who lack the awesome power of the megaphone that is podcasting. Will Porter and John use the podcast to talk about the episode or will they get bored with it and start cooking potluck dinners and forming a band? Find out as they muse on Love and Monsters.
They call it the Creature and it lives in the Pit. As the Fourth Doctor remarks, they do have a way with words. As do Porter and John, who must use words as they podcast because all the elaborate visuals they prepare really do not land in this medium. But that’s fine here because the image of a giant green penis wandering around a cave is all anyone needs to get the gist of the notorious Season 17 story, The Creature from the Pit.
Then journey back – waaaay back – to a simpler time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and and companions just blew up like decent folk instead of being all diva about it. But don’t worry, the Cybermen still prove utterly ineffectual. Will Porter and John follow the ins-and-outs of the Cybermen’s convoluted scheme to create an Earthshock? Will anyone even explain what an Earthshock is or will they just all Earthcalm down and Earthrelax?
Duel Process - “Smith and Jones” & “Stones of Blood”
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As all Americans know, the Third Amendment protects them from the illegal displacement of hospitals to the Moon, but sadly for our new companion, Martha Jones, the King George-loving Brits have no such protection and their hospitals are regularly zapped off world. Yet another strike against the Socialist NHS while Americans are protected from such indignities thanks to the afore-mentioned amendment and the fact that none of them can afford to go inside hospitals. Porter and John welcome a new companion, a new monster in the form of the rhino-faced Judoon, and debate the merits of bloodsucking vs face-eating as they take in the Series 3 premiere, Smith and Jones.
The pursuit of justice then takes our intrepid podcasters back to the Fourth Doctor era and (of course) rural England. Joining the Doctor are Romana I and Porter-favorite K-9 now mid-season arc as they race across the universe in search of the six segments of the Key to Time. Once again, blood drinking is on the cards but this time instead of an unconvincing old lady with a straw we have the unconvincing polystyrene rocks known as the Ogri. But don’t worry, if you aren’t getting into the story in the first two episodes, it takes a real tonal hard left halfway through (actually, more of a tonal three-point turn) and becomes an episode of Boston Legal if James Spader were actually just a flashing light. Will Porter add Professor Amelia Rumford to his growing list of companions who should have been? Will John manage to casually work into the conversation that he’s a lawyer? Find out as they shoulder the crushing weight of The Stones of Blood!
It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Scientist - “The Lazarus Experiment” & “Planet of Evil”
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“Madness… madness…” says Major Clipton at the conclusion of TheBridge on the River Kwai – was he talking about the antics of Colonel Nicholson or this Podcast? We may never know, but what we do know is that this puppy is chock full of nutty professors, starting with NNTMP favorite, Mark Gatiss (still gay). Gatiss makes his first television appearance in Who as the star attraction at a surprisingly low-key event announcing the discovery of revolutionary de-aging technology that will allow humanity to live forever. Join Porter and John as they peer review the results of The Lazarus Experiment.
